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TBird
Park Slope, Brooklyn
Wine Connoisseur
Posts:5219
 | | 06/01/2006 9:12 PM |
| If you can read this whole story without laughing, there’s no hope
for you.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween
comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Antonio City Park. Judge 3 was an inexperienced Chili taster
named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, Illinois.
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI #1 – Mike’s Maniac Monster Chili
Judge #1 – A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 – Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) – Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway.
took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst
one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2 – Austin’s Afterburner Chili
Judge #1 – Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 – Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge #3 – Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what
I’m supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.
CHILI #3 – Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge #1 – Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2 – A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 – Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. I’m getting [censored]-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI #4 – Bubba’s Black Magic
Judge #1 – Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 – Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 – I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That
300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT –just like this nuclear waste
I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5 – Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover
Judge #1 – Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 – Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I’m burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
CHILI #6 – Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge #1 – Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge #2 – The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and
garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 – My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
behind with a snow cone.
CHILI #7 – Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge #1 – A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 – Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to
be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 – You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what
killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful.
Forget it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll
just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8 – Big Tom’s Toenail Curling Chili
Judge #1 – The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 – This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it poor feller, wonder
how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge #3 – No report. | | | |
| dgoerisch
St. Louis
Grape Sorter
Posts:204
| | 06/06/2006 11:04 PM |
| | I'm glad it's after hours at my office...I was laughing so hard and loud that the few people still here came by to see what was going on...now they're all laughing uncontrollably. | | | |
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